October 15th

 October 15th.

It is the day we remember our babies...

I remember the ones we never got to hold...my three tiny tummy babies. 

I also remember how long I suffered in silence... I didn't tell but a handful of people for years. I tried to hide the shame that was never mine to hold. I smiled, laughed, and made jokes, I was funny. I didn't want the world to find out what I knew...that my body was broken; that I wasn't woman enough to keep a baby alive. 

As a Christian I would sit and worship and smile at baby dedication and Mother's Day. I couldn't let others see that my faith was shaken. I didn't want them to know that when I would bow my head the images of laying on the bathroom floor crying out to God to save my baby would flash through my mind...

That I was angry.  That I was jealous.. That I was alone.  That I was wrong. 

When we decided to adopt...people felt that it was perfectly fine to ask. It wasn't.  Then again at the same time I was tired of dodging questions... 

So I just blurted it all out. ~ The heavens didn't fall. 

Some people were shocked, some hurt that I didn't tell them, but they adjusted. The sweetest was friends and family that opened up...they were hiding their pain as well a few found their way through the pain and the shame and were open, they gave voice to their loss. They were free. 

I have a happy life! I have a gorgeous husband that loves me, and 3 beautiful daughters. I have more blessing that I can count. Taking a minute or a day to remember doesn't take away from all of that.... It doesn't make one ungrateful, just thoughtful. 

So on this day... Love. Hope. Remember.