Friday, March 14, 2014

Exercise~ from Punishment to Pleasure

So this is going to a very honest and open post....  I don't write it as a pity party or as an excuse, but in the sheer hopes that it might helps someone. ~You never know, right?!?

So I have always hated exercising...always! I hate it for so many reasons other than it makes me tired and sweaty....
I have always viewed it as punishment in the back of my mind... because many times in my young life, it was.

I remember being a kid and having to run laps for forgetting my gym clothes... I had "forgotten" them in hopes of having one day that I wasn't made fun of  for my size; well, that wasn't my best idea! I remember one particular day I had done something wrong(can't remember what) and I to do squats for like 20 minutes and the PE teacher had a high school student watch me do them as he sat on the bleachers...that young man taunted and ridiculed me the entire time. There I was being called every horrible name imaginable.. head bowed in shame as he talked about every disgusting part of my body while my legs slowly turned to jello with one squat after another... Even as a child I understood that I deserved to be punished.

Exercise as I got older, turned into a punishment to myself... Just as a child hearing "earthquake" every time I would jump-rope. I mentally gathered all of the taunting and turn it on myself... I would quote silent mantras of self hatred as I walked.. I was spiraling.. No one knew... I was the girl with the biggest smile, and just as I had learned to do as a child~ I did my crying in secret...

As an adult it was much of the same... I was ashamed to workout in public~ I mean, come on I'm not going to be one of those people on Youtube!?! Ummm, no!
The few times I did workout it was much of the same..."You are bad! You are disgusting! You did this(get really fat) to yourself and now you must take your punishment! You deserve this...don't whine, you did this to yourself." On it would go...
Watching movies on the couch seemed to silence it. So that's what I did... for years.

Then there came the day about a year and a half a go.... I felt so toxic. I had, had multiple miscarriages for which I blamed myself. In all honesty, my heath play a huge factor in the loss of those precious souls. My health was suffering.. I had become a mother through the beauty of adoption and I was so scared that my daughters would follow my path.
 I decided to change.. Even if I failed.. I would start again.. This time, I would change from within...

I started with water... lot's of water. I then moved to diet... little changes. I started respecting myself.
 Then, when I was ready to start working out... I only did workouts I liked! This was FOR me not TO me..  I played music loud enough that I couldn't hear the voices in my head. I thought of my health..not the scale or even my looks, I mean those are nice, but health is better!

Slowly, very slowly... I started losing weight.

I started enjoying exercise as "my time!"

My girls saw the change and started enjoying exercise.. They loved working out with mama! They loved walking to the park~ sometimes even choosing to walk with me instead of playing... They would tell daddy "we worked out!" as their little faces beamed with pride~ they were my cheerleaders!

I'm not sure when it happened, but exercise has changed. It had slowly turned from punishment to pleasure...

Yeah, I still have bad days. I have times when I don't really want to workout, but when I do, I truly enjoy it! I have a really long way to go... I have a lot more weight to loose..but I will.

Heading out for a walk at the park..  
Walking to the park......      Red Faced! Puffy! Sweating! Loving it!!! 
Photo Credit~ My awesome 7 year old photographer! 

 ~One day, one step, one meal, one minute at a time I will find pleasure and learn joy along the journey.